


Being Himchan

by Jjon Adams (Lanyonn)



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 04:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11432745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanyonn/pseuds/Jjon%20Adams
Summary: Yongguk’s ideal type is a moralistic, virtuous woman while Himchan’s claim to fame is printing out “Kim Himchan is God” and “We Worship Kim Himchan” on a thousand student-sponsored t-shirts meant for donation to the needy in third world nations.So Himchan should know better than to fall in love with Bang Yongguk. But he doesn’t.





	1. Part I

 

**Being Himchan**

 

**Part I**

 

In the ideal scheme of things, Himchan shouldn’t have had anything to do with someone like Bang Yongguk in the first place. People like Himchan _don’t_ have anything to do with people like Bang Yongguk. That’s just how things are; that’s just how things are supposed to _be._

 

So when Himchan falls head over heels for Yongguk, all he can do is plough through the universe for every possible reason why it _isn’t_ his fault that he can’t stop think about Yongguk. He didn’t ask for it. He didn’t ask for their vastly different spheres of existence to roll towards each other and intersect like three dimensional Venn diagrams. Himchan is drawing the said three dimensional Venn diagrams on one of the cafeteria napkins with a gel pen which is bleeding ink right through the four folded layers into the table. He is offended by the universe, morose, and the sight of Yongguk and the girl seated to his two o’clock is not helping the universe’s case, he decides.

 

“What’s that?” Daehyun demands as he peers at the mess of ink and napkin next to Himchan’s half eaten box of chicken salad and egg rolls. He sits down on the bench next to Himchan instead of across from him because he is just an obnoxious person like that. Also, he insists on staring at Himchan’s impromptu handiwork and steals the iced Nestea that Himchan was going to drink later, goddammit.

 

Himchan balls up the mess before Daehyun can read his untidy scrawl of “Bbang” and connect it to the man seated in his line of vision.

 

“I was bored,” he replies instead, safe and characteristic. He isn’t close to Daehyun at all – Daehyun is inquisitive because he is just a nosy bastard like that. And Himchan, well, Himchan isn’t supposed to be mooning over Yongguk in the first place, much less revealing the mysteries of his aching heart to his casual friends.

 

Daehyun lets it drop because in addition to being a nosy bastard, he also has the attention span of a goldfish and Himchan thinks this is what his life has come to – being grateful that Daehyun has the attention span of a goldfish.

 

If his eyes keep straying towards Yongguk and he observes that Yongguk is laughing too much at his companion’s jokes (and not talking enough – he doesn’t nearly talk as much as he laughs), his hands on the table like hers but not touching (not yet), then this is just because Daehyun is also boring and very talkative. Daehyun is the kind of person who usually needs sounding boards for his monologues and rants and Himchan can be good at that although it is not his preferred role in conversations. Himchan likes the sound of his _own_ voice very much, thank you.

 

It is irksome how content and relaxed Yongguk’s face is and how, no matter how many times Himchan tries to catch his eyes across the cafeteria, it doesn’t happen. They are not sitting _that_ far off and neither Himchan nor Yongguk is short sighted. If Yongguk fails to catch Himchan staring at him that is simply because Yongguk never looks away from the girl – not even once.

 

The half hour of lunch time he spends trying to catch Yongguk’s eyes, without being obvious about it, feels entirely too short.

 

Daehyun is getting up, asking him if he is going to finish that egg roll. Himchan thrusts his box of leftovers at him because his mood is sour and it kills his appetite. It angers him irrationally that Daehyun’s sphere of existence – which is much like his own most days actually – has space for things like happiness and food. Himchan would like spaces for things like happiness and food, goddammit. He wipes angrily at the ink stains on his fingertips because he also happens to hate ink stains on his fingertips but the universe is not very considerate now, is it?

 

In fact, he is seeing red so hard that at first he doesn’t hear Yongguk calling his name. Daehyun does, however, and pauses and looks back enquiringly. When Himchan’s brain catches up two seconds later, his throat has gone dry and his tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth.

 

“Your pen,” Yongguk holds out the gel pen Himchan had been using to vent his frustrations, “you – er, you left it there.” Yongguk tilts back his head towards the table Himchan just vacated.

 

The girl with Yongguk smiles at Himchan and they are gone the next second. Himchan doesn’t even realise that he has his pen back in his hand because that is how far gone he is over Yongguk.  His throat has clamped up and Daehyun is fucking drinking his iced tea which he could use about now because he doesn’t trust himself to speak but needs something to do with his mouth, his tongue, his throat – his bloody anything.

 

It is a result of how bad Himchan has it for Yongguk that Himchan cannot think about anything else for the rest of the day except that Yongguk handed him back his pen. It would be fucking hilarious if it wasn’t so painful. But it is painful – fuck painful, Himchan thinks as he jogs down the rainy streets, this shit is excruciating. The wind and water pelt his face and it stings more the faster he runs but Himchan needs this. Himchan needs anything he can get to make this – this _thing_ – settle down even for a couple of hours. The next morning he is going to be back at the university, eyes scanning the crowds for Yongguk where he knows he can see him going over to the economics building just as he is leaving it after the eleven am class. It is a Thursday so they won’t be at the cafeteria at the same time. If Himchan is _really_ lucky and Professor Ok lets them out early and Yongguk is late leaving the cafeteria, maybe he can catch a glimpse of Yongguk as he enters. It would be the best, too, because it is one of those rare times when Yongguk isn’t with the girl (they are not dating officially yet, Himchan has painstakingly found out).

 

Himchan breathes hard, gasping noisily for air as he stops under the porch of the entrance to his dorm building. He is soaked to his skin with the rain, water running into his eyes and nose and making his groin cold. And it is not even the start of his issues.

 

Friday night cannot arrive fast enough (Himchan is not lucky so he hasn’t caught a glimpse of Yongguk for the past couple of days). Himchan’s roommate is an attractive art student with more tattoos than Himchan can count and thank God that at least _he_ is Himchan’s type. Not the romantic type because apparently that is Yongguk. But the type of person who knows where they can go in and smoke some weed, drink some non-shitty vodka and just laugh their heads off over everything and nothing. And if Himchan exchanges quick hand jobs with someone in the toilet before they return to their dorm in the wee hours of the morning, then his roommate doesn’t care and doesn’t give him shit about it.

 

Himchan concedes that if the universe has fucked him up properly where Yongguk is concerned, at least it has allowed him other escapes.

 

If Himchan tries hard, it is not _that_ bad.

 

At least that’s what he keeps telling himself until the college grapevine quickly informs him that Yongguk and Minah are _finally_ officially dating after having being ‘friends’ since fucking middle school.

 

And it is fucking unfair that Himchan has to feel this shitty over someone who was never an option, who probably doesn’t even know that he exists until they have the voluntary work together over the summer break or the winter break. His roommate gives him a look of concern when he sits drinking in his bed for three days straight and then passes out for two more. He has that fucking pen tucked in his pocket all the time, he is so pathetic.

 

“You alright?” his roommate finally ventures on day six. Himchan probably scared him with his long sleeping spells but he made sure to wake up and feed himself once a day and the guy who slipped him the pills when they were out last time probably told his roommate about it so he has no reason to worry all that much.

 

Himchan slurs some version of “I’m fine” and drags himself to the showers.

 

“Fucking drama queen,” he tells himself slowly as he gazes at his red eyed, stubble strewn face, puffy and pale with drink and sleep.

 

He feels bad enough about his crash that he spends the rest of the term trying not to fuck up his grade. It isn’t as good as it could have been if Yongguk hadn’t fucking gone and gotten married, he grouses to the universe. But at least he isn’t flunking this term, so he’ll take what he can get.

 

Himchan wants to be offended when his roommate suggests that maybe he should skip out on their weekend outings for a while but it is some sort of saving grace that he agrees amicably, tells him that yes, it is probably for the best.

 

The worst isn’t seeing Yongguk happy with the girl – the girl doesn’t even figure into Himchan’s equations with the universe. She’s incidental – it is not _her_ fault that the universe used her to fuck things up with Yongguk. The worst is that Himchan didn’t expect himself to take things as hard as he did even though he had fully anticipated this is how it was going to be. It is the normal course of things in life – not advanced calculus or metaphysics, which Himchan can never understand because they are _shit._

 

Some days he tells himself that it is all an elaborate delusion. Himchan took psychology back in school so he understands delusions and obsessions. Some days he lets himself believe that it is just because that it is the first time he has been _in love_ that it is so hard but time and distance will eventually make him forget everything. However, he spends most days just getting through those days and _not_ thinking about Yongguk anymore, _not_ letting himself cross paths with Yongguk anymore. Himchan doesn’t have any higher aims like stopping his self destructive behaviour. It is just that the whole thing is fucking torturous and Himchan has fucking had enough of it.

 

Whatever helps him get through things these days is dope. He doesn’t want to complicate it by feeling guilty. Things are bad enough already without further intervention.

 

After a while, he thinks he is over it, really. He can even bear to give Yongguk an offhand smile once when they almost run into each other at the cafeteria door on a Thursday when Himchan had made sure that he was late enough to not cross paths with Yongguk but did anyway. He doesn’t even notice Yongguk, he tells himself, his betraying senses filing away the memory of Yongguk’s cologne. He had caught a whiff of it, they had been _that_ close.

 

Eventually, Himchan just decides to not be an ass because his dad is paying for the uni and he just has one more year before it will all be finally _over._ He needs a better grade. Even his roommate has stuck up a fucking study schedule over his table and goes to sleep slumped over his textbooks.

 

Himchan had noble plans, he really did. He will swear it to anyone. He will swear it to the fucking universe.

 

But then the summer break comes around yet again.

 

The summer breaks carry the sole blame for Himchan’s angst over Yongguk.

 

Himchan isn’t one of the people who question the ridiculousness of rules like voluntary work over the breaks. He accepts it de facto even though there is nothing voluntary about the work which has to be done as a rule. It is more of a thing which Yongguk would do. Yongguk isn’t a rule breaker or trouble maker but he is conscientious like that. When Himchan wasn’t in love with him, he had typecast Yongguk as a hypocrite revolutionary who submitted himself to the oppressive rules and despised him for it.

 

Himchan regards all rules with disdain and follows them because the world is fucked up and he is fucked up and even though he isn’t as fucked up as the world, he will _condescend_ to live by those rules because it makes life easier. There is enough trouble that he can rake up without busting balls over things he cannot change.

 

Yongguk loves children (ridiculously cliché, in Himchan’s opinion), so he often volunteers to work at the orphanage for the work points. Himchan had first chosen it because it seemed like the easiest thing to do – one he could get done without trouble. Kids were brats. Himchan could deal with brats. He couldn’t clean or cook – actually, that wasn’t true. He could clean and cook but he hated it. The library repulsed him. He had tried garden duty last break and it was more hard work than he wanted. And old people were a guilt trip he didn’t want to risk, so the old age home was out of question. The orphanage had been a choice by elimination for Himchan the second time he had to sign up – drudge work for points that would affect his grade. Yongguk, on the other hand, looked like he was in heaven even when some brat threw up on his shoes.

 

The orphanage had been hell.

 

And Himchan had signed up for it break after break after that one month he spent working there with Yongguk the first time.

 

Not that he would ever admit it even under the threat of the guillotine, but Himchan had loved watching Yongguk with children. It was just a sphere of existence so much different from his own that he couldn’t help staring at first. Yongguk was mysteriously concerned and loving towards these little ugly smelly kids no one wanted. Himchan was a realist. He felt sorry for the orphans but didn’t see why it should be _his_ life business to work with them.

 

Yongguk should technically have made him feel like an ass. But all he did was somehow make Himchan feel like it wasn’t a hell month of extra work. It was being alive in ways Himchan won’t have known. They didn’t talk that much because kids are _hard work._ But Yongguk made Himchan want to be more than he was. It didn’t matter that all his life he had been indifferent to orphans and stray dogs. He didn’t have to be anymore and Yongguk made him not want to be anymore.

 

And Himchan might not have fallen this hard if Yongguk was a little snobbish maybe. But Yongguk wasn’t anything that Himchan hated. He came out into the alley behind Himchan during their break time every day and shared a knowing smile with him before taking the cigarette from Himchan’s fingers and lighting his own with it.

 

Somehow, unbelievable as it was, Himchan could see his world intersecting with someone like Yongguk’s.

 

It was like magic.

 

It was falling in love.

 

It was so easy – it was _perfect_. It was everything Himchan hadn’t known that he was capable of feeling.

 

Himchan isn’t a romantic person, not really. He has romanced girlfriends in the past. He had a secret maybe-boyfriend and he did things for him that could have passed as romance. But he had always satirised romance and didn’t really think he could fall in love – until he did.

 

That is probably what makes it all so hard – having experienced something he hadn’t expected to, he doesn’t know how to just... _forget_ about it.

 

Who does that?

 

.

 

Himchan moves from blaming universe to blaming Yongguk because really, this time it is _Yongguk’s_ fault. Fuck this.

 

“I guess you won’t be doing this next summer,” Yongguk says on day one of their last summer working together, when he follows Himchan out for their customary cigarette break. Till then, Himchan would have sworn that he was mature enough so as not to whinge about the fact that he needs to continue their tradition of taking cigarette breaks together.

 

It is actually too hot to smoke this afternoon, in Himchan’s opinion. He had stepped out more out of habit than to have any alone time with Yongguk. Yongguk had always understood that Himchan doesn’t have any special affinity for kids – he is just doing it for the fucked up point system their uni has. They didn’t need to discuss it. Yongguk just _knew._

 

Himchan grunts and scratches at the healing scab on his elbow just to have something to do with his hands. Then he remembers he has a cigarette perched between his lips and plucks it out of his mouth, tapping the ashes on the ground.

 

A thousand responses fly across Himchan’s brain as he stays quiet next to Yongguk,

_No, I dislike kids. Good riddance._

_Why would I? No more volunteer work until I have to go to the army. I need my time off from the demands on my time._

_I’ll be job hunting next summer – why, won’t you?_

_I actually saved up to go on a backpack tour next summer if I wanted next summer before I got a job. Have you ever thought about something like that?_

_Will you? Will you come back here next summer? You love kids. You probably will._

_Or maybe you’ll be getting married next summer – won’t leave much time to volunteer what with the honeymoon and all._

_No, but you’ll get a job first – before you can get married. You won’t get to come back here, either way._

_Maybe you will find a way to come back here anyway._

_Maybe I will, too. I don’t really hate kids. I just hate that we have to do this during_ break.

 

 _I mean I’m not a monster. I don’t_ hate _kids._

_I sort of like the brats now. I want to come back here next summer. But I’m not sure how it will all work out. I might be really unlucky and not graduate and then I’ll have to come back whether I want to or not._

_You’ll graduate, though – you’re top of the class in every damn subject you take. You’ll probably come back here despite your job, marriage, or whatever else there is._

 

 _Maybe we could be working here together next summer – anything could happen. I mean I never_ meant _to volunteer at the orphanage at first._

_And now, since it is not that bad here. I’ll come back._

_I’ll probably come back the year after, too. Even if I am working by then. Even if I get a wife. Even if I get kids of my own. I’d want to come back here._

_I’d want to come back here and I’d hope you come back here, too – we could, we could volunteer together. Maybe not for an entire month. But a week in the summer sounds good._

_If you’re going to come back, I’ll probably come back here again, too._

_If you’re going to come back..._

It is just the first day of their last summer working together and Himchan is already wishing he could knock himself out and wake up only when it is over.

 

Yongguk doesn’t bring up the subject again and Himchan thinks maybe it hadn’t been a subject in the first place. Yongguk had probably been making small talk because he is a nice, well-mannered person even when he is smoking outside an orphanage. And Himchan, well, Himchan is a fucking drama queen is what he is.

 

But the numbness that set in his tongue and throat and fingers when Yongguk asked the question had been very real. And he had wanted to stop it, too. Himchan hadn’t wanted any of it. Oh, how he wished he _won’t_ feel any of it, won’t think the thoughts that invade his brain no matter how hard he draws the shutter on them. It is a fight – every day, he is at war at himself. A perverse part of him wishes that if this goes on long enough, then maybe he will end up _hating_ Yongguk because of how hard he makes his life.

 

He wishes.

 

He gets through those days of their last summer together, too.

 

“I’m never coming back here, you little bastards,” he swears once as his shirt gets torn trying to separate two fighting boys. Yongguk looks at him then and Himchan catches the glance. It unsettles Himchan because Yongguk’s gaze is loaded with words he can’t read, feelings he can’t immediately place. Yongguk knows Himchan is much less patient than him – he has never held it against him even though he has encouraged him to be better like the patronizing motherfucker he is. But this isn’t Yongguk rebuking for his impatience – or if it is, then he is rebuking him in a language that Himchan doesn’t know how to read.

 

Whatever, Himchan thinks, as he tears his eyes away from Yongguk’s. There are only two more days left of work left and then he will have to throw his soul into his coursework if he means to graduate on time.

 

And two more days pass, like the rest of the month. Himchan is actually a little proud of himself. He doesn’t linger on the last day. Their last cigarette break is much like any other: there’s nothing _special_ about it, that is. They aren’t really friends or anything. So they don’t even go have dinner together to celebrate or anything. Of course, it is only Himchan who sees cause of celebration once their month is done. Yongguk is probably heartbroken that he won’t get kicked or puked on by brats anymore.

 

.

 

Against all his fears, Himchan does graduate.

 

His parents are unable to make it to his graduation and Himchan is terribly glad. He has friends, of course, and his roommate is adamant about getting him to meet his entire family – even his grandparents are here and it fazes Himchan a little. However, he manages to slip out soon enough and it is probably because he is three parts drama queen and one part heartbroken that he switches off his phone and goes drinking by himself. It is definitely not going to help his job prospects to skip the drinking parties with his peers but he has fucking graduated so _fuck this,_ he thinks.

 

He has already sent his things before him and he has no more reason to linger.

 

Himchan doesn’t want any memories.

 

Maybe if he doesn’t say goodbye, he can pretend he has nothing to say goodbye to.

 

Ten years down the line, he is probably going to be nostalgic about his uni and regret his peevishness. But right then, it feels like the best decision of his life and the first step towards liberating him from feelings that have been choking him for so long.

 

It feels like he can wipe the slate clean this way and start anew. He’s just twenty one, for God’s sake. He can start anew any number of times.

 

The backpack tour doesn’t materialise because the universe is not being an ass for once and a really good internship offer comes along his way. It will lead to good things. He is going to continue at Seoul, while Yongguk is going to be a good distance away in Busan. He couldn’t help learning that bit of information, could he? But that is the last of it, he reassures himself.

 

It is the end of it.


	2. Part II

 

**Part II**

 

 

He’s fucking tired is what he is, Himchan grumbles as he tosses his shoes to a corner and then throws himself on the couch. It is a good kind of tired, though, and he likes having his own apartment where he can lie around in his work clothes and drink beer as he tunes into a gay erotic movie right there in the living room itself.

 

Himchan likes his life.

 

No one tells him what to do in his own home, least of all his dad, and he is never going to stop being gleeful about that, he thinks.

 

The best part, though, is being able to bring back a guy to his place occasionally. Occasionally being just twice in the history of his existence in this apartment. He isn’t about to risk his glorious job by starting rumours about himself. But that one guy he has been seeing for a while seems safe. He had gone back to _his_ apartment first, for the record. Himchan didn’t know when he became this “safe” but it works and that is important to him now.

 

It isn’t as if they are going steady or anything. Himchan is still a realist. He knows that in a few years, this guy is going to find himself a wife and give Himchan a polite smile if they ever meet each other by accident. He’s nice like that – he won’t ignore him outright.

 

Nice.

 

Himchan can do with nice.

 

Because he is free to seek out something not so nice on the side at the same time.

 

It is a good life.

 

He ignores his phone when it buzzes because it is a Friday night and he is still to get out of his work clothes. It buzzes again and Himchan gives in. His boyfriend-of-sorts texts to ask him if he can come to Himchan’s place over the weekend. Himchan glances around his modest apartment. It is small but clean. Himchan is a bit of a slob but he makes sure it is clean. He has no big plans for the weekend, so why not?

 

It is all nice enough until Saturday afternoon.

 

They had woken up late and his boyfriend-of-sorts had surprised him with breakfast in bed. It was nice. They had made out for a while, Himchan feeling oddly like a teenager in his twenty seven year old body. Things are still a little awkward but exciting between them. They shower separately. Himchan lets him shower first.

 

That is when his boyfriend’s phone rings.

 

Himchan has no curiosity as he glances towards it. His boyfriend’s phone is ringing while he is in the shower. It is none of Himchan’s business. Just that there is sound and light and vibration from the pillow next to his and his eyes move towards it reflexively.

 

It is a punch to Himchan’s gut to see Yongguk’s face staring back at him.

 

For a moment, Himchan thinks he is hallucinating. Then the ringing stops and Himchan glances towards the bathroom like a sneak. His boyfriend has just gone into the shower – he will take at least five more minutes.

 

It is a proof of how much it isn’t “over” for Himchan that he grabs his boyfriend’s phone and unlocks it. There’s no password protection – just a swipe across the screen confirms that Himchan hadn’t been hallucinating. There is indeed a missed call from a “Bang Yongguk”. Yongguk looks older in the picture saved under his name. His hair is fashioned in a far more severe cut than what he wore during their college days. And he isn’t smiling in the picture. As much as he laughed in reality, Yongguk was always shy about his picture being taken and almost never smiled in them. It isn’t a candid photo. It looks more like a passport photo – maybe Yongguk is a colleague of his boyfriend’s.

 

Himchan feels nauseated with all the details about Yongguk he never forgot – details he shouldn’t have known in the first place, details that even Yongguk doesn’t know he knows about him.

 

Six years later, he feels like a stalker.

 

He locks the phone and drops it on the pillow again.

 

As if trying to distance himself from this breach of trust, Himchan gets out of the bed, pulls on his sweatpants and goes into the kitchen even though he doesn’t really have anything do in there.

 

His boyfriend finds him there, loading the dishes in the dishwasher. He is already dressed in clean clothes and has an apologetic look on his face. He has to leave soon to fill in for a colleague whose daughter has suddenly taken ill. He will make it up to Himchan soon, he adds, mistaking the reason for the look of devastation on Himchan’s face.

 

Himchan, of all people, has no right to be devastated that Bang Yongguk is apparently married and has a daughter.

 

It no longer feels like love – just a sick obsession he should have _fucking gotten over_ by now.

 

.

 

Himchan hates himself for breaking things off with his boyfriend-of-sorts the way he did. But it is for the best, he reassures himself as he heads into the gay bar to lose himself for the night. He needs to stay far, far away from Yongguk’s sphere of existence. No, there wasn’t much chance of Himchan meeting Yongguk just because he has a secret affair with his colleague but Himchan doesn’t want to watch Yongguk leave any more missed calls on his boyfriend’s phone because his daughter has taken ill or his wife has sprained her ankle.

 

Himchan is fucking selfish but he keeps telling himself it is as much for everyone else as for himself even though the entire problem is just in _his_ fucking head.

 

 _Run_ , he thinks, pupils blown wide in the dim red light as the Mohawk wearing boy blows him in a secluded corner, _I should start to run soon_ – morning runs that tire him out before he can get too many thoughts into the day.

 

In the end, Himchan will plead that he tried everything he could, he really did. It is months after he has broken up with his boyfriend, so obviously, he has tried hard to do the right thing.

 

But if he ends up hanging out at the only restaurant opposite his ex-boyfriend’s workplace during lunch time, then it is because he is who he is and honestly, he has given up on himself. He is going to hell anyway, so he might as well add ‘obsessed stalker’ to the list. It is a pretty lame strategy. Yongguk has a wife so he probably brings homemade lunchboxes. But Himchan has been going crazy with the idea that he _knows_ where Yongguk is and he isn’t doing _anything_ about it. So lame as it is, it is his only strategy. He has stalked the company’s webpage and discovered that Yongguk’s work email and phone. Those he has filed away for the times of utter desperation. For now, he stakes out at the said restaurant during the lunch hour.

 

Thankfully, he runs into Yongguk before he runs into his ex-boyfriend.

 

“Himchan,” Yongguk recognises him instantly even though Himchan is wearing his hair respectably short and has no colour in them, not even a subdued light caramel or honey brown. “This is – it is a surprise.” Yongguk is at a loss of words. Himchan hadn’t exactly expected Yongguk to be all smiles (even though they shared quite a few smiles back then) and handshakes but he doesn’t know why Yongguk gives him that look – wary? Surprised? Himchan can’t make it out. It frustrates him but soon, Yongguk pulls on a mask of polite smile. Himchan can tell it is a mask because he is apparently an obsessed stalker who hasn’t forgotten a single thing about this man even after six long years of a lot of living like a proper adult.

 

They don’t have much to say – they never did.

 

But Yongguk asks for his number before they part and Himchan feels faint the way he did when Yongguk returned his fucking pen in the fucking cafeteria all that time ago. He’s so pathetic that they will probably excuse him from hell because of that particular affliction.

 

It doesn’t mean anything, he tells himself as he saves Yongguk’s number. Yongguk was just being polite. It was good meeting after all this time. They should stay in touch with each other. Their companies had even worked together on a project last year, it was a surprise they didn’t come across then. Etc. Etc.

 

Himchan is truly pathetic.

 

His tiredness takes on a more sordid quality as thoughts of Yongguk mingle with his days again. He forgets to turn on the TV and sits brooding after work, drinking more than he should be drinking because he doesn’t want to develop a fucking alcohol problem over this – whatever this is.

 

Of course, now that he has Yongguk’s personal number in his phone, he doesn’t contact him. It feels bad in a way Himchan doesn’t feel bad about the rest of his stalker actions. That number isn’t _supposed_ to be in there. Himchan is an asshole.

 

So when Yongguk texts to ask him if they can meet up for drinks, Himchan is convinced that the universe is planning some sort of punishment now that Himchan has completely bungled up so many things with his “Yongguk problem”. That doesn’t stop him from replying a quick “Yes” to Yongguk though. He doesn’t even think before sending in an affirmative – just sort of gasps, holds his breath, chokes as his chest clenches over the thought of _going out for drinks with Yongguk._

 

Once he has gotten over the sheer impossibility of the situation now come true, he has genuine concerns. He doesn’t even know what they are going to talk about, he thinks desperately. They were never friends. They had two classes together every week but Himchan didn’t think Yongguk was very aware of Himchan staring at the back of his head during all of them, and that doesn’t count for a respectable topic to broach during drinks anyway. Maybe Yongguk will talk about their stints at the orphanage together. Himchan never went back to it but maybe Yongguk did. Although how he manages to go back to Seoul for a month while still working in Busan, Himchan won’t know. Maybe he donates to it. He fucking donated to it even when they were college students together. Maybe that is enough motivation for Yongguk to ask Himchan out for drinks.

 

It is Friday night and the bar Yongguk asks to meet him at isn’t traditionally one frequented by overworked office workers and the general business class. It is actually a cool looking jazz bar, he discovers as he enters it in his full work attire. Not that he didn’t have time to change before coming here, but he presumed that Yongguk wants to meet him as a colleague. They’d have a couple of drinks like two office workers who were maybe-friends during college days and then Himchan would go back to his life and Yongguk to his wife, daughter and possibly other children.

 

At least that was how Himchan had it all playing out in his head, because, obviously, once there was the prospect of going out drinking with Yongguk, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t think about anything else at all.

 

But now, he feels a little stupid sitting in a classy jazz bar in his work suit. It isn’t that bad but Himchan can dress much classier even if he has to wear a suit. He dresses stupid to work because everyone dresses stupid to work in his office and Himchan, being Himchan, has to make the extra effort in order to not stand out.

 

In a classy jazz bar, Himchan won’t have stood out like a sore thumb, if he had known he was going to be in a place like _this_. When Himchan is in his element, he can fit right into a posh place like this. It is too late to dash back to his apartment and dress appropriately. Yongguk has just entered anyway, dressed in a mouth watering leather jacket and fitted jeans.

 

This is Himchan’s life at the moment and he wants every last creature in the universe to know that he hates it.

 

“Hey,” Yongguk’s smile is much more relaxed and natural this evening when he spots him and comes over.

 

“Work ran late,” Himchan greets him with a tighter smile, feeling like he needs to explain his nonexistent fashion sense, as it must seem to Yongguk. “I came here straight from the company.”

 

“I’m glad you could make it.” Yongguk sounds sincere and Himchan can’t make sense of anything anymore. It doesn’t feel like two colleagues ex-college mates knocking back a drink or two before parting ways. Unless Yongguk decides to dress right out of GQ or the Vogue for every good old colleagues night out. Which he might – what does Himchan know? He didn’t even know that Yongguk was in Seoul, much less working in a company five blocks away from him. Of course, Yongguk doesn’t have to stay in Busan forever and if his company decided to send him to Seoul, well, Yongguk doesn’t have to inform Himchan about it, does he?

 

If Himchan wasn’t a crazy ass stalker, they won’t be here meeting again in the first place.

 

Yongguk orders a bottle of red wine and Himchan nods dumbly to the bottle suggestion, as if _he_ is the hick who has no idea how to deal with jazz bars and red wines. This is completely Himchan’s scene except he usually meets in a gayer stance. Himchan would be completely at home in a place like this if a more respectable gay dalliance asked him out to some place like this one. And right now, he appears to be a stranger to everything that is good about living in a place like Seoul.

 

They don’t immediately fall into small talk. Yongguk is far more relaxed than he is and Himchan is getting nervous wondering about how long they have, if the missus will start calling soon. Or maybe the missus is away with the kids and Yongguk had nothing better to do so he called up Himchan because Himchan looked like the kind of person who has nothing better to do than meet up work colleagues on a Friday night.

 

There is some cheese to go along with the wine and Yongguk starts there. Himchan is relieved that at least _work_ didn’t get mentioned right off the bat. If his ex-boyfriend came up in their talks, it was going to be a topic that would need all his senses in order. And right now, Himchan feels like he has fallen down a long, long rabbit hole and nothing makes _sense_ anymore.

 

He is fucking Alice in Wonderland.

 

But even if he is Alice, Himchan can talk about cheese. He can do that. At least he isn’t going to come off as a complete moron. He comments on a painting to their left in passing and even though Yongguk never took an art class to Himchan’s knowledge, apparently, he has an impressive knowledge of art. Himchan took art history for one semester before dropping it like hot fire but he can follow Yongguk. Also, Himchan has always been a rather opinionated person, so even if his depth of knowledge cannot rival Yongguk’s, he has opinions which Yongguk seems to find interesting without wanting to strangle him.

 

They are almost all the way through the bottle of wine and work hasn’t even come up _once_. In fact, Yongguk hasn’t even mentioned the bloody old orphanage they volunteered at together. It doesn’t even feel like they were never friends the way they are able to carry on the conversation – for what, two and a half hours?  Himchan is startled to discover how much time has passed.

 

“Do you need to be home soon?” Yongguk asks, comfortable and polite, because Himchan’s eyes widen a little as he notices the time on his wristwatch (because he came here straight from work and his bloody wristwatch is still on).

 

Himchan hastens to reply that no, there’s nothing waiting at home and this is perfectly alright.

 

Belatedly, he realises that Yongguk is a married man and that is probably why he is looking at him with that unreadable kind of look again, the one which Himchan cannot decipher and which frustrates him as a result.

 

So he adds, “But you might need to go home soon?” because he doesn’t know why Yongguk would look at him like that.

 

“I have nothing waiting at home for me, too,” Yongguk replies simply, smiling at Himchan again. He isn’t as awkwardly shy as he was before. He doesn’t laugh as much, but smiles more – not the polite smile, not the awkward smile, but just a mature understanding smile which feels like something he developed after college yet seems so much more real. “We could order another bottle of wine if you’d like. Or find another bar.”

 

It makes no sense to Himchan. And it isn’t just because he has been drinking and the alcohol, the atmosphere, Yongguk’s mere presence is addling with his brain. It won’t make any sense to Himchan even if he was stone cold sober.

 

“I like this one,” he replies, swallows hard. “The bar. It’s very cool. But we could find another.” His sentences are short and stinted, nothing like the easy fluidity of their conversation over the past two hours.

 

Yongguk, of course, notices his consternation. Apparently, he thinks a change in setting would change Himchan’s mood because they end up in another bar down the street. It is noisier, much more crowded and not so classy. But it is one Himchan is familiar with and he _finally_ loses his tie as they stand at a table, heads closer together out of necessity because of the loudness of the music. It isn’t a proper club but there’s a dance floor to the side, too.

 

Their talk isn’t as impersonal at the jazz bar anymore. Work finally comes up but even after a few shots of vodka, Himchan manages to avoid bringing his ex-boyfriend into the conversation although their companies’ joint project last year was where he had first met him. Yongguk opens up a little more about himself. He had enlisted right out of college, and then come back to Seoul hunting for a job after it was done. There is no mention of Busan or his wife or daughter or any more kids. He has been in Seoul for the last four years.

 

And Himchan had no idea. They never ran across each other. Not even _once_.

 

Himchan doesn’t have much to share. He had his internship and then got this job after a few months. He has stuck with his company, gotten a promotion already. He is good at what he does. They like him there. Of course, Himchan doesn’t have a wife or daughter to talk about and so he doesn’t.

 

There’s more redness in Yongguk’s cheek after a few drinks, he is laughing more, his body angling towards Himchan’s in a way that Himchan definitely isn’t imagining. Himchan _couldn’t_ imagine it in fact. He is drunk but he is not _that_ drunk. He has had years of pining over Yongguk to realise that all his issues are just those – his “issues”, enclosed completely in big and bold double inverted comas. They have nothing to do with Yongguk and it isn’t Yongguk’s problem that Himchan has these feelings for him. But Yongguk’s head is far closer to Himchan’s than it has _ever_ been, his words are light and flowing freely, and Himchan is obsessed but he isn’t _psychotic_ – there is no way he is hallucinating the fact that their gazes linger too long when they meet, and when their shoulders brush against each other, Yongguk doesn’t try to move away.

 

It is too much.

 

Himchan doesn’t even know what excuse he churns out – something about watching over his neighbour’s cat that he had forgotten. As if any of Himchan’s neighbours would ever leave their cats with him. Or even keep cats at home, to be honest.

 

If Yongguk isn’t impressed by the flimsy excuse, then he doesn’t show it.

 

He walks Himchan to the subway station, tells him that he had a very good time (Himchan doesn’t miss the _very_ ), tells him he would like to hang out again. Perhaps Himchan has gotten drunker than he thought, losing count of the drinks Yongguk insisted on buying for him. Perhaps he is just riding the waves of emotion that he has been trying to control. There can be a million reasons for it – including the fact that Himchan is just being Himchan which is practically a definition for fucking up things by now (or a _stalker_ , adds a nasty little voice at the back of his head).

 

In any case, Yongguk suggests that they hang out again and Himchan licks his lips, doesn’t think at all, and says, “There’s this bar I know – downtown, _Le Queen_.” And _then_ he shuts up, heart forgetting to beat for few long, long seconds because Himchan’s body thinks he is better off dead by this point. _Le Queen_ is a popular gay bar that even Himchan’s grandmother has heard about because she still reads the newspapers. There’s no way Yongguk hasn’t heard about it, at least, because he seems to be familiar with the club scene.

 

“ _Papillon X_ is more my type,” Yongguk replies after a heavy, pregnant pause, and he is holding Himchan’s gaze steadily as he speaks. He is smiling a little, too – that thoughtful mature smile that Himchan hadn’t seen in their college days and his face is all shades of unreadable that Himchan cannot decipher even though he simply _cannot_ look at anything except Yongguk at the moment. Himchan’s not even sure what he heard – because, _what!?_ While _Le Queen_ is the type of gay bar that has history and made news, _Papillon X_ is more subtle, although definitely catering to a populace on the higher end of the Kinsey scale. Yongguk won’t really know about it unless he had actively sought it out some time.

 

Himchan is going to spend a long time figuring out why they never ran across each other before.

 

Side not, he bloody hates the universe.

 

He wants to think about the wife and daughter at home waiting for Yongguk, but they seem pretty harmless on Himchan’s list of offending items in the universe at the moment.

 

Because Yongguk wants to meet him again, wants to meet him at _Papillon X._ Because Yongguk is _for real._ Himchan is over the border obsessive at times, but he is a hardcore realist. If it was all just his imagination, Yongguk would be doting over a pretty wife right now. His head is bursting with questions. His heart is bursting, too, but mainly because Himchan has never learnt anything about adult coping mechanisms.

 

“Okay, yeah,” he croaks out, wets his lips, shivers with this thrum of energy he feels vibrating between Yongguk and himself. “ _Papillon X_ is just – fine.”

 

 _Fine._ Suave, Himchan, real suave.

 

But “fine” is good enough for Yongguk because his smile is reaching his eyes now. Himchan doesn’t really remember if he responded to Yongguk bidding him a good night, asking him to get home safely. He deserves to be excused.

 

A fucking freight train in the form of Bang Yongguk hit him. 

 


End file.
